


Pins and Needles

by holographicbubbles



Series: Elsamaren Summer!! [7]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Elsa (Disney), Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Elsamaren Summer 2020 (Disney), F/F, and i accidentally wrote a dictionary help, hahah self-projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25407025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holographicbubbles/pseuds/holographicbubbles
Summary: "She’d kept a façade on, she’d done everything she was supposed to do to make Maren happy and she’d tried to be the girlfriend Maren deserved, but she wasn’t. Not when there was someone who could actually love Maren the way they were supposed to, somewhere out in the world. Not when there was someone who could actually love Maren the wayElsawas supposed to, and couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t-She pulled her knees to her chest and shivered.Elsa maybe couldn’t be cold, but she knew what it was like to feel numb all over. What it was like to be trapped in a never-ending torment of pins and needles."or when I started writing fluff about asexuality and then and i took the time period into context and it all just spiraled into not-fluff. Also i talk about words too much.Loosely based off of:Elsamaren Summer 2020, Day 4 - "Out of everyone you could have chosen, why me?"Elsamaren Summer 2020, Day 8 - "Bless this happiness we've found." (or, in this case, created...)Elsamaren Summer 2020, Day 9 - "you have secrets too, but you don't have to hide..." (IT"S NOT SMUT LEAVE ME TO BE THE STEREOTYPICAL ACE I AM)
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Elsa/Honeymaren (Disney)
Series: Elsamaren Summer!! [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827406
Comments: 17
Kudos: 27
Collections: Elsamaren Summer 2020





	Pins and Needles

**Author's Note:**

> (this is rated teen for cursing. it's all anna. she does it a lot. blame maren.)
> 
> this was not originally written for these prompts, but I worked around it so that i could get it to fit. Especially day 4... 
> 
> So.
> 
> Welcome to another _Is Elsa Actually A Character I Wrote or Just Me in Disguise????_ fic.
> 
> It starts out fluffy.  
> And then.  
> It's not.
> 
> also please don't hate maren she was a product of the time period  
> and everything else because i got angry  
>   
> and anna is just  
> well.  
> anna!  
>  ~~and i needed a character to knock some sense into maren  
>  okay~~
> 
> So that sounds ominous, it's just Elsa being Elsa and convincing herself that she doesn't belong, and Maren being an idiot and not helping. At least there's Anna, who has some sense. The three of them share half a braincell and Anna has 99.999% of it. 
> 
> before I forget? i have song suggestions to listen to while reading:  
> [D&D and Asexuality - Skull Puppies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqUK6tNhwJE)  
> [For Me - Dearlie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCJxKlyrR_s)  
> [This Is Me - The Greatest Showman Cast](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw)  
> And, of course: [Show Yourself - Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=md7dK5-qvHc)
> 
> also this isn't very well proofread, but i'll get to that eventually.

“Maren.”

_“Maren.”_

“Earth to Honeymaren Naturra!” 

“MAREN FOR GOD’S SAKE-”

“ _What?”_ Maren snapped, less a question and more annoyed at being pulled from her thoughts. Elsa scowled light-heartedly at her.

“I’ve got a question for you,” she flexed her fingers and sat opposite Maren at their table. 

“Mhm?” Maren arched a brow. Elsa’s questions ranged from serious to complete and utter, ‘you must be joking with me.’ And Maren hadn’t quite learned to differentiate between the two before they happened.

“Why me?” Elsa asked quietly. 

“What?!" Maren shot up. "Why not you?"

“No… I just…” Elsa sighed and placed her chin in her hands. “Out of everyone else - anyone normal, you could have chosen… Why me? Why choose to be with someone so different?”

“You’re different, sure. But why derogate those differences when you could celebrate them?”

“Maren.” Elsa licked her lips. “After… well, after everything… you could have left me for someone who could love you in full and-”

“Stop, Elsa.” Maren placed her hand over Elsa’s. “You love me in full, just differently. And that’s okay. You’re not abnormal, because normalcy is stupid and pretty much fake. I should be asking you why you stayed with me.”

Elsa rolled her eyes. “Just answer the question so that my brain will leave me alone.”

Maren thought of all they had been through. Of everything she’d done. Not on purpose, of course. But it still had to be worked through. And that was okay. 

* * *

At first, it was a foreign concept, no one had really ever given much thought to ‘maybe two women could fall in love,’ but then they started looking deeper, read some of Sappho’s poetry, and then realized that maybe it wasn’t so foreign after all. But there wasn’t a word for it, so they played around with some different titles - at first settling on Sapphoion, or in celebration of Sappho, (derived from Sappho and the suffix -ion, in celebration of,) but it was vowel-heavy toward the end and hard to pronounce, so they dug deeper. They tried Sapphion, but something about it didn’t settle right on their tongues and so they didn’t keep it and tried again. So then they tried Eros-ion (pronounced Eros-eeyun, meaning 'in celebration of the Greek god of love, derived from Eros and -ion,) and presented the word to Anna who smacked her hand against her forehead and burst out laughing. “Guys. You spelled ‘erosion,’” she said, to which Elsa blushed and turned to Maren. 

“I knew there was something wrong! We’re not eroding each other, we’re building each other up.”

“You’re half-right,” Maren said. “You’re the only one who’s doing any wearing out.” 

So they tried again. The suffix -ious, having qualities of, led to Sapphious, having qualities of Sappho. Lesbos, Greek Isle, home of the poet Sappho led to Lesbosious, having qualities of Lesbos…

Yeah, nothing worked. So they changed their point of view to not take it literally and pretty much just tried to find a pronounceable, easy-to-remember, and nice-sounding word. 

Homo-, same. -Sexual, relating to instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals. Homosexual. Now they had a good, though rather stiff and professional, but a sturdy starting base. 

Lesbos, home of the Greek poet Sappho. -ian, of a place. Lesbian, a homosexual woman, literally meaning ‘of Lesbos.’

Dictionaries were issued. 

“I can’t, Maren!” Elsa thrust herself into her girlfriend’s arms, the book she was pouring over clattering to the floor, her cheeks wet with tears. “I can’t do this any longer!”

“What’s wrong?” Maren’s breath caught. She crossed her fingers behind Elsa’s back and pleased that she didn’t mean that she couldn’t be together any longer.

“I can’t!” Elsa sobbed. Maren stroked her back. 

“What can’t you do?” 

Elsa angrily detangled herself from Maren’s arms, jabbing her finger at the book on the floor furiously. Maren tiptoed over and got a better look at the cover.

Ah. The most recent edition of the dictionary.

So... Something was wrong with it.

“Are you alright?” Maren cautiously walked over to Elsa and put a hand on her back. Elsa glumly shook her head. 

“No,” she sniffed, picking up the book and leafing through the pages. “Look!” 

It was clear that the definition had somehow gotten by Anna. 

Homosexual

_/ˌhōməˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/_

Irrational, unscientific sexual desire and/or actions between two people of the same gender. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Maren cooed, pulling Elsa into a tighter hug. “We’ll make sure Anna gets this changed.”

Elsa sniffed. “Okay. Okay,” her head still sunk to her chest, seemingly sadder than it had been in a while, her shoulders sagging towards the ground. Maren sighed and intertwined their fingers. 

“I love you,” she cupped Elsa’s cheek with her other hand. “Don’t ever doubt that. I’ll love you through whatever anyone says about us.”

“I-I,” Elsa's voice faltered as she choked on her words. “I love you too,” it sounded small and Maren heard the apprehension behind it, but it was also heavily emotional and Maren didn’t doubt for a second that it was true.

Soon, they had a new word. Homosexualphobia. Derived from Homosexual and -phobia. Fear or hatred of homosexual people.

Soon, the word got tiresome and too lengthy.

Soon, it was shortened to homophobia. 

Soon, a new dictionary came out with a much less homophobic definition and including the definition of homophobia. Still, Elsa’s smile faltered whenever she was connotated with the word homosexual.

But it worked.

* * *

Maren found her hunched over her desk one day while they were in Arendelle, fingers hovering above the yellow pages of the dictionary, cheeks red with tears and nose dripping with snot. Her chest heaved as her eyes flicked over the definition, over and over and over and over. Left, right, left, right… 

Homosexual

_/ˌhōməˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/_

Sexual desire and/or action between two people of the same gender, sometimes accompanied by romantic feelings and/or actions.

“Elsa?” Maren rushed in. “Are you okay?”

Elsa acknowledged her presence, pushed her out of the way, stood up, and flung the book across the room. “That’s not who I am,” she spun around to face Maren. “That’s not who I am,” she said again, her voice shaky as it faltered to sobs and she collapsed to her knees. Maren, distressed, sat next to her and wrapped a (hopefully) comforting arm around her. 

“Maren, who am I? What’s wrong with me?” Elsa sobbed, leaning into Maren’s side.

“That’s easy,” Maren said in an attempt to lighten the mood. “You’re Elsa Arendelle, you’re my sun and my stars and my light. You’re Elsa Arendelle, and I love you with all my might,” she tapped Elsa on the nose, and whether it was her words or the action, whatever it was, something made Elsa cry harder. 

“I can’t love you like that Maren! I’m defective… broken. Something’s _wrong_ with me,” she clutched at the end of Maren’s shirt, her face paling. “Something’s _wrong_ **!”**

“What do… what do you mean?” Maren said quietly. Elsa let a sob fall free, wetting the hem of Maren’s shirt.

“Do you… do you… are you like the definition?”

“I’m not sure I’m adding two and two here, Els.”

Elsa took a shuddery breath. “Homosexual,” she began in a gravelly, automated voice. “Sexual desire and/or action between two people of the same gender, sometimes accompanied by romantic feelings and/or actions. Are you like that?”

“I- I love you, yes,” Maren stammered, her voice cracking. 

“No. Do you like… have sexual attraction toward me?”

“Well yes, like normal. Why wouldn’t I?”

Something in Maren’s words completely broke Elsa and she collapsed to the side, but not Maren’s side, the opposite side. Her hands pushed Maren’s off of her back and she began to sob harder. It hurt seeing Elsa like that. It hurt even more because Elsa was pushing her away.

“Elsa…” Maren gently tried to get closer to her girlfriend, if they were even still… she wasn’t sure what she’d done, but she worried it could have broken them. 

“Get away from me,” Elsa seethed through her tears, and Maren looked up to find snow flurrying from the ceiling. “I don’t deserve you. Go find someone who will actually love you.” 

“Do you not love me?” Maren’s face fell and her shoulders sagged. 

“I- I can’t, Maren! Something's defective inside me. I’m broken, you admitted it yourself. And you’re just making it worse,” Elsa rolled away from Maren’s hand when she tried to place it on her shoulder. The wind that Elsa was creating with a rapidly growing storm whipped across Maren’s face. 

“I- I’m sorry Elsa. I don’t know what’s going on,” Maren whispered softly, barely believing what was happening. “Is there anything that I can do? Because I want to be here for you, because you, Elsa, you are the most amazing, most beautiful, special, thoughtful, _warmest person ever. ”_

“The irony wasn’t lost on me there,” Elsa muttered and sniffed. 

“What I said- It- It wasn’t meant to be satire. And I don’t think that it’s ironic,” Maren stroked Elsa’s cheek. “You _are_ the warmest person ever.”

“Then why am I _so cold?”_

“You’re not- you’re not so cold.” 

“That wasn’t very convincing,” Elsa sniffed. 

Maren took her hand and pressed it to her cheek. “Your body temperature is only slightly cooler than mine. If you were actually cold, I wouldn’t want to even be near you, let alone touch you.” 

Something in Elsa folded in on itself with Maren’s words. Maren winced at that; she was doing terribly, that was attested with how seemingly every time she spoke another little part of Elsa broke. 

“Elsa, I’m- I don’t know what I’m doing,” Maren admitted and shivered through the chill that had abruptly set upon the room. Again. “And I’m sorry that you’re hurting and I’m sorry that I’m hurting you. And I need you to know that I want to help you with whatever is going on. If you would just let me,” she held out a hand to Elsa to do what, help her to her feet? It was a stupid gesture even before Elsa swatted it away, looking at Maren with a look that Maren never wanted to see again: her eyes turned to pools of desolate sadness and an emptiness that broke Maren’s heart. It was something that screamed ‘there’s nothing left that’s worth living for.’ But Maren needed Elsa even if Elsa didn’t need her.

“Don’t you see?” she whispered, her voice raspy and cracking through her tears. Maren frowned, her dubiety getting the worst of her. Elsa sighed and shook her head. “I think I’m going to go and be on my own outside for a little bit.” 

“It’s raining. Elsa, wait-”

“No, Maren. I- I can’t do this any longer,” Elsa pulled herself weakly to her feet and walked briskly to the door. Maren’s breath hitched. She’d thought they were so happy… but she guessed she’d been mistaken. 

_‘Do what?’_ she wanted to say.

“Go be happy somewhere else,” Elsa turned back and said in a hushed tone, barely more than a whisper. “ _With_ someone else. There’s probably someone better for you out there anyway. And you deserve no one less.”

_‘Wait, Elsa-’_ Maren’s lungs burned to scream and grab her hand and cry and tell her that she was wrong and how wrong she was and let her know just how much Maren actually cared-

But Elsa was already gone.

* * *

When Olaf was first learning about summer and the sun, he’d once described water as ‘molten ice.’ He wasn’t technically _wrong,_ but Elsa had laughed it off and taught him the correct word anyway. 

Now, with the rain pouring down her back and soaking every inch of her being, Elsa understood better what he had meant. ‘Molten ice’ was a better suitor for this type of rain, the icy, large drops that burned even Elsa where they touched. She shuddered, not from the cold, but from _the cold._ The hungry, starved chill inside her that never, ever left her alone, reminding her constantly like a tattoo in her chest of how broken she truly was. She’d kept a façade on, she’d done _everything_ she was supposed to do to make Maren happy and she’d _tried_ to be the girlfriend Maren deserved, but she wasn’t. Not when there was someone who could actually love Maren the way they were supposed to, somewhere out in the world. Not when there was someone who could actually love Maren the way _Elsa_ was supposed to, and couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t-

She pulled her knees to her chest and shivered. 

Elsa maybe couldn’t _be_ cold, but she knew what it was like to feel numb all over. What it was like to be trapped in a never-ending torment of pins and needles. 

She felt it the nights where she lay next to Maren and let Maren run her hands down her side and brush over her thighs. She felt it the nights she asked Maren to stop and saw the confusion in Maren’s eyes though she agreed. She felt it the nights and the days and all the times Maren’s lips were more than on her, her tongue was in her and in her throat and it _burned_ like fire and it just felt so, so wrong. She felt it the nights when she knew she was supposed to feel _more_ , to feel alive and ravenous and hungry and all she could tell herself was _conceal, don’t feel_ again and again and again to not let Maren know how sad she really was; how much of a monster. And she felt it the nights where she returned to her own goahti and lay alone in her bed, the only sound against the chilled walls her own heartbeat, the image of Maren’s sadness when she said that she’d be spending the night alone seared into her mind. 

Elsa maybe couldn’t _be_ cold, but she knew what it was like to be the coldest person alive. 

Elsa stared at the horizon, fog settling over it. The fog was cold but somehow warmer than her. She was too cold to live and too cold to be a good person and too cold to be a good girlfriend for Maren and too cold, too cold, too cold- 

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice it when the temperature dropped several degrees. 

Or when the rain turned to snow.

Or when the sun dipped below the clouds, day turning to night. 

Or when hot, fat tears started dripping down her face like a fire melting away at ice. She barely even felt the burn of her eyes as her tears fell and fell and fell.

Or even when Anna sat next to her and wrapped her arms around her even though the snow was falling and it was nearly a blizzard and it was freezing, freezing, freezing, no-

Anna sat with her and held her while she cried. Because that was what Anna did, she held the stupid, cold, dead monster as they cried, because Anna was too good for the world and too compassionate and it wasn’t fair that she was wasting it all on someone dead inside anyway and didn’t deserve it, not when there was someone who was alive and alive in the way she was supposed to be and- 

Anna rested her chin down on Elsa's head and pulled her closer. Anna was so _warm_ and _warm_ and Elsa craved it almost in the way she longed for someone, please, just _anyone_ to understand her. But no one did. Elsa sniffed and tried to stop another round of tears from spilling down her face to no avail. “Oh Elsa honey, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Anna cooed as she ran her fingers through Elsa’s hair. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m here for you one-hundred percent of the way.” 

Elsa tried to open her mouth but couldn’t find the strength to even breathe. Between the snow pouring down on their heads and covering them both in thick, white layers, the ice that seeped out everywhere Elsa could see, and the chill that she found inside herself; she was _cold._ Almost as cold as she had been at Ahtohallan when she froze, though then that was an inconvenience when there was so much, so much that needed to happen and the dam and Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna- who was there now and _warm,_ with her _warmth…_ Elsa shivered again and tried to make herself smaller against the freezing wind, shrinking into Anna’s side. Now, she figured, freezing to death would be not so bad. Dying; it would rid the world of someone so horrid that they couldn’t even love the person they were supposed to love the way they were supposed to love them. 

_You’re a terrible, terrible person and your parents were right, of course they were- you don’t deserve love, you’re unworthy-_

“Elsa, Elsie, breathe. You’re okay. I’ve got you,” Anna put a hand to Elsa’s cheek and immediately pulled away. “You’re so cold, Elsa. Breathe, I’m here. Let’s go in and get warm again, okay? I can’t- I can’t have you freezing again. Not now. We’ll go in and get you all bundled up and you can sit with me on your bed and I’ll give you all the warm hugs you want. We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to. Just take a breath. Do you think you can walk?”

Elsa’s vision blurred as Anna’s words repeated themselves in her mind, not taking on any meaning, it was all just gibberish but Anna had said something and what if it was important and-

“Then I’m going to pick you up now, okay? But I’m holding on tight and I’m not going to let you go until you’re ready. We’re just going to go inside and get warm. Okay? You don’t have to answer. Just try to breathe.”

And then suddenly she was off the ground and all she could see was the sky and it was dark and white and nothing and there was something warm at her side and wasn’t it Anna? She weakly wrapped her arms around her sister’s chest and the redhead smiled down at her. 

“You’re doing great. Just keep breathing. You’re doing great.”

And then suddenly she was being wrapped up in warm, heavy comforters and Anna was there and Anna was _there_ and there were so many tears on Elsa’s cheeks. 

“You’re okay, sweetheart. You’re okay,” Anna said upon seeing the glazed-over look leave her sister’s eyes. “How do you feel?” 

"Numb..." Elsa pulled her knees to her chest underneath the thick blankets. “All over. My heart, though? Empty. Broken. Like always.” 

"Oh, Elsa, I don’t know what you mean,” Anna stroked the top of Elsa’s head. 

“Of course you don’t,” Elsa whispered hoarsely and felt the tears rush back to her eyes and they _burned,_ fire against ice. “No one ever understands me.” 

Anna hesitated before speaking, something unsaid in the silence as she sorted out her words. Elsa didn’t care anymore though, she was just a crack in the otherwise-solid rock of their family. And Anna knew that. “Oh, honey- you’re- people- _I_ understand you. I try at least,” Anna’s voice cracked and in that moment Elsa hated herself for making Anna feel underappreciated. Because Elsa wasn’t Elsa without Anna. Because Elsa needed Anna to live, to breathe, to _live_ and stay _sane._

“Then why can’t I just be the way I’m supposed to?” Elsa sobbed, burying her face in the blankets around her and she was shaking again and she couldn’t breathe but there was Anna’s hand, right? On her shoulder, that steady warmth-

“Well, when I was younger, I had a friend. Her name was Moana. She was always being told by her family that she could find happiness right where she was. But you know what she did? She went and left and found her own happiness. And she saved the world. Granted, she was from a storybook that Mother used to read to me,” Anna shrugged. “But I think that it was a beautiful story anyway. She was constantly told that she was supposed to find happiness in the way everyone else had, but she still went and found her happiness in the way she wanted.” 

Elsa barely heard anything past _‘she was from a storybook…’_ before it all melted into crackling pieces of words that she could barely hear over the pounding of her heart in her chest. “I’m sorry,” she clutched the bedcover and squeezed it tight enough that her knuckles went white. “I’m so, so sorry. That’s all my fault, you should have had real friends and it’s all my fault and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Anna-” 

“Hush,” Anna breathed. “It’s not your fault. It’s our parents’ fault, not yours. You were eight, you didn’t know better. You’re okay. What I was trying to say, Elsa, is that if you can’t find happiness in the way you’re supposed to, you go and find your own happiness in the way you want to. Do you understand me?” 

Elsa sniffed. “Yes.”

_Do you understand_ me? 

“Good,” Anna brushed a piece of hair away from Elsa’s eyes. “Now why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

Elsa slowly sat up and moved to where the dictionary was, sprawled open to a random page, the yellow papers ripping, and plopped down on the floor next to it as the tears started to fall again, leafing through the pages until she found the right word.

* * *

Anna stormed toward Maren in a fury. Her hand reeled back to her ear, shoulder so taught it was tensed almost to her chin. Her fist collided with Maren’s chin and sent the brunette spiraling backward as she recoiled from the blow.

“What the hell?” she growled, spitting into her hand to check for blood. “What was that for?”

“You left her!” Anna screamed in her face and combined with the ache she still felt from the punch, her head rang like church bells. “You left her and you let her run away and sob outside in the freezing rain and you _didn’t_ try to console her!”

“I did!! She told me to go away! I was only doing what she’d asked!” Maren raised her hands to cover her face in case Anna tried to sock her again. 

“It’s _Elsa_ we’re talking about, for fuck’s sake Maren! Of course she told you to get away from her! It’s second fucking nature to her! Whenever she has a problem, she automatically tells the people she cares about to get away from her in fear that she’s going to hurt them! You’re her fucking girlfriend, don’t you know that!?” Anna got into Maren’s face, grabbing her by the collar of her shirt. Maren’s eyes went wide at the blind race in Anna’s eyes. “YOU HAVE TO BREAK THROUGH THAT SHELL AND LET HER KNOW THAT YOU CARE MORE ABOUT _HER, MAREN_ **.** THAT YOU’RE NOT WORRIED ENOUGH ABOUT GETTING HURT TO LET HER GO! SHE’S BEEN HURT SO MUCH ALREADY, DON’T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN’T HURT HER ANY MORE BEFORE SHE BREAKS OR ARE YOU A BLITHERING IDIOT?”

“Anna, wait, what did I do?” Maren gasped at the air when Anna threw her to the floor. 

“YOU WENT AND BECAME A FUCKING IDIOT! THAT’S WHAT YOU DID! YOU FUCKED UP, MAREN! YOU TOLD HER SHE WAS BROKEN! YOU MADE HER FEEL WRONGED FOR WHO SHE IS! She had nearly frozen the fjord over again by the time I got out there,” Anna’s voice calmed slightly as she took a deep breath before blue eyes landed on brown again and she screamed. “I HAD TO BREAK THROUGH SEVERAL LAYERS OF ICE THAT HAD CREPT UP THE GATES, THAT’S HOW BROKEN SHE IS! WHAT DID YOU DO, MAREN?” she sneered. “YOU FUCKED UP. BADLY. AND YOU’RE GOING TO GO MAKE IT RIGHT. _NOW.”_

“Wait, I-” Maren furrowed her brows. “What’s wrong with her?”

“EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID, YOU DUMBASS. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER. MAYBE IF YOU _LISTENED_ FOR ONCE YOU WOULD KNOW THAT!” Anna clenched her fist again and Maren cowered. “AND SO, UNLESS YOU WANT TO KISS MY KNUCKLES AGAIN, YOU WILL MAKE IT RIGHT. GO FUCKING GET MY SISTER BACK, OR I CAN LEGALLY THROW YOU IN THE DUNGEON FOR HURTING ELSA, PRINCESS OF ARENDELLE. FOR HURTING A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY!” 

Maren tensed. She hung her head. “Of course, Your Majesty.” She scurried away. 

“Maren?” Anna’s voice called, much calmer, from behind her. Maren turned around. “I’m still mad at you, you know. Just… don’t hurt her. Please. I can’t take it if she spirals back all the way.”

Maren nodded sadly before running off to Elsa’s bedroom. 

“Elsa?” her hand hovered above the door. “It’s Mare. Can I come in?”

“I don’t know, can you? Are you physically able to, Honeymaren?”

Maren drew a sharp breath. She never knew that hearing her name could hurt so badly. But until then, it had been Mare or Maren, said with so much adoration and now… it seeped with something almost like longing resentment. She pushed the door open. Elsa sat on the floor, knees pulled to her chest, chin resting on them as tears slid down her cheeks. Crumpled papers from what Maren could only assume was the dictionary - the yellowing pages and small print gave it away even though she couldn’t actually read them from where she was standing. 

“Elsa… I’m- I’m sorry- I’m sorry,” she stuttered, barely able to get the words through her clenched jaw. “I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry,” she knelt down next to her and tried to pull her into a hug, which Elsa reluctantly accepted, leaning into Maren’s touch as a few more sobs fell from her lips. “I’m sorry.” 

Elsa didn’t respond. 

“Remember what I said to you a few months ago? When the first dictionary came out?”

Elsa nodded, her chin pressed into Maren’s chest. “I do,” her voice cracked. 

“I said don’t ever doubt that I love you. I said that I’ll love you through whatever anyone says about us. Would you do the same for me?”

“I would if you would have me to,” Elsa replied definitively, without a moment of hesitation. 

“Then what’s the problem here?” Maren quirked her head, pushing Elsa away from her so that she could look her in the eyes. Elsa flinched. “What’s wrong here?” 

“I’m… not like that,” Elsa’s voice shook, and with the sincerity in her eyes Maren realized just how hard this was for her to say, whatever it was. “I’m not like that…” Elsa said again, a different lightness to her tone. “I’m not like that,” her eyes lit up and she sniffed. “That’s not who I am, Mare.”

“Then who are you?” 

“I… I don’t know,” Elsa sniffed. “But I want you to know that I love you. Just not in that way,” her voice sounded pained. 

“Not in what way?” Maren hoped hers didn’t sound so pained. 

“Homosexual,” Elsa began. “We defined it as a person who feels sexual attraction and desire, sometimes accompanied by romantic attraction to their same gender. I… don’t,” her brows crossed, meeting in the center of her face. “I don’t feel that way, not sexual. I feel for you romantically, but that’s all I want, Maren. No more than that. Because I don’t think I _can_ feel that way. I don’t think I do.”

“Okay,” Maren cupped her cold cheek. “Okay. We’ll sort this out and make it better, okay?” Her brain was already running through what could be wrong. 

“I don’t… I don’t know if this is something that we make ‘better,’ Maren.”

Maren nodded her head, brows knitting together in confusion. “Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is. But whatever happens, I’ll be here for you, okay?”

“If you’re here for me, then you have to be okay with who I am,” Elsa blinked slowly. Her eyes were sad, filled with a depth to her words that Maren couldn’t understand and likely would never. “And you have to understand that I don’t think that this is something that we change or that we fix, it’s just who I am and how I’ve always been. And if you’re not okay with that, then you should leave me.” 

Maren took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Okay. I’ll try.”

Elsa shook her head. “You have to do more than try. You have to accept it.” 

“I- I-” Maren stammered. “Okay. I will. I promise,” she pushed a finger under Elsa’s chin and tilted her jaw to meet her gaze. “I promise.” 

And Elsa, for the first time that day, smiled.

* * *

Asexual, derived from a-, without, and -sexual, relating to instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals. Asexual, without sexual feelings or associations. Maren found it rather crude that the word implied that Elsa (and the others who had taken upon the label) were lacking something, and Elsa agreed - but they decided that having a word was better than being empty-handed. And it made Elsa happy; which made Maren happy to see.

And Elsa had created her own happiness, found it her own way, just like Anna had shown her how to do.

* * *

"Maren, you asked me a few _long_ months ago, 'Then who are you?' and... then, I didn't really know. Now I do. I'm Elsa of Arendelle, and I'm different. But that doesn't make me wrong or broken or a monster, it makes me special.

Who am I?

I'm me. Unapologetically."

* * *

“Why you, Elsa?” Maren moved to sit next to Elsa and pulled her into a hug. “Because I don’t love some ‘normal’ idealogic person to love the ‘normal way.’”

Elsa exhaled heavily into Maren’s chest.

“Why you, Elsa?” Maren kissed her forehead. “Because, as you said, you're you. Unapologetically. And because, Elsa, I love _all_ of _you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I want to talk for like? Three seconds?
> 
> So. Maren. She is definitely worthy of. Well. She was _definitely_ not not-aphobic. And I don't show how she redeems that? But between the ending and the last little bit, there's definitely a few months and _definitely_ some talking. Because that's the least Maren owes Elsa. And she definitely understands how she hurt her. 
> 
> (And also there's more of _Angry!Anna because-you-hurt-my-sister!_ )
> 
> hmmmmmm please don't be aphobic. cause we exist ! ! ! ! ! also! demi people exist! and are VALID AND ASPEC SO STOP EXCLUDING THEM YOU'VE MADE ME ANGRY  
> and _all aspec_ people deserve love! in our own ways!  
> thanks for agreeing to that, here's where you signed, and now here's some coffee and cake for being A DECENT HUMAN BEING  
> and  
> cake  
> AS KRISTOFF SAID, "CAKE IS MY LIFE!"
> 
> goodbye,  
> pe _ace_ out
> 
> i'm convinced that being ace, aro, and agender was gifted to me just so i could make puns. ple _ace_ , i swe _aro_ , wait for it.
> 
> or get me help.  
> whatever comes first.


End file.
